Customer Acquisition: Like Herding Cats in Central Park

Customer Acquisition: Like Herding Cats in Central Park

Let’s get something straight. Customer acquisition isn’t a strategy. It’s a street fight. It’s messy, unpredictable, and almost never goes according to plan. The playbooks are outdated. The advice is recycled. And the customers? They’re distracted, skeptical, over-marketed to, and underwhelmed.

Trying to corral them into a neat little funnel feels a lot like trying to herd cats across the middle of central park. They scatter. They claw. They leap in all directions. And just when you think you’ve got one cornered, they vanish into thin air, chasing a shiny new thing your competitor just posted. Don't even get me started with AI.

So what do we do? We stop treating customer acquisition like some neat little sales funnel in a PowerPoint deck. We stop building strategies for what people should do, and start paying attention to what they actually do.

Stop Selling, Start Understanding

The truth is, most companies come at acquisition the same way bad restaurants come at tourists. Shouting, waving menus, offering coupons and empty promises. It reeks of desperation.

But the places that thrive? The little family-owned trattoria tucked down an alley in Rome? They don’t beg you to come in. They pull you in with the smell, the vibe, the authenticity. They know who they are. And they make something worth coming back for.

Your brand should work the same way.

Acquisition isn’t about being louder. It’s about being more you. More real. More useful. More aligned with what people actually need, even if they don’t know it yet.

The Myth of the Funnel

We were all sold this idea of a funnel. Awareness, interest, decision, blah blah blah. As if humans move through life in a straight line, thinking “Gee, I saw your ad three times. Now I’m ready to buy.”

It doesn’t work that way anymore. Hell, maybe it never did.

People discover your product from a half-heard podcast, forget your name, see you on LinkedIn, ignore your email, read a Reddit thread trashing you, then suddenly sign up six weeks later after a friend casually mentions your name over coffee.

There’s no funnel. There’s just friction and noise. And somewhere in that mess, you need to stand out.

The Real Work is in the Follow-Through

Anyone can get a click. Fewer can get a signup. Even fewer can keep people around long enough to care. I know I fight this fight every day.

Customer acquisition isn’t just about catching attention. It’s about holding it. It’s about delivering on the promise you made when you first got in front of them.

That means your product can’t just be good. It has to be right for the people you’re trying to reach.

It means your onboarding better not suck. Your first email better not feel like spam. And if they click the little chat bubble, someone better be there who actually gives a damn.

Because if you drop the ball after the acquisition, guess what? Those cats you spent months chasing? They’re gone.

So What Works?

Not hacks. Not growth loops. Not the latest LinkedIn guru playbook.

What works is relentless honesty. Listening more than talking. Solving real problems in a way that makes people feel like they found something rare.

And yeah, consistency. Not the sexy stuff. Not the overnight wins. But showing up every damn day. Creating value. Making noise where it matters. Earning trust one interaction at a time.

The Final Cut

Customer acquisition is like herding cats. But the secret? You don’t herd cats. You make them curious enough to come to you. You build the kind of product, story, and experience that makes people pause, sniff the air, and wander over to see what you’re about.

And when they do? You better be ready.

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